DW6: Reactions
by KOEI Fanatic
Summary: The Dynasty Warriors get together to rant about the latest installment. Wu up first.
1. Wu

DW6: Reactions

Originally planned as a oneshot. Inspired by randomness and for ranting purposes, mostly ranting.

As you will notice i really cant stand Shang's new voice.(its really not obvious is it? cough sarcasm cough) If the same person does her WO2 voice then god help us all!

Warnings: Character Bashing :P

--

The Wu army were gathered in a poxy little box the shuists from KOEI gave them to discuss or rather rant about the latest Dynasty Warriors release.

"I look like a bloody pixie!" Shang Xiang whined in her new incredibly whiny voice.

"Everybody said Da Ji looked like a pixie in WO and now look what they've done to me!! I will not stand for this! Im a warrior woman not a goddamn flower child!" she continued ranting, spitting all over Ce

"Ew...Sis what the hell happened to your voice?" Ce asked

"Well-" she started to explain "What do you mean my voice? There's nothing wrong with that. Its this outfit its hideous...its-"

All of a sudden a purple butterfly flew through a hole in the box.

"Its...elegant...elegant like the sunshine...the rainbow...the flowers...the trees...the butterflies"

"Zhang He?!" Ce yelled "Wrong box butterfly boy, Get Out!"

Zhang He was suddenly booted from Wu's box

"KOEI cut me out" Da Qiao moaned "...Because there are too many 'women' in Wu. Those sexist pigs, They're jealous...yes thats it, jealous because chinese women are so much hotter than japanese women.

"There..There" Ce said patting his wife on the head..."I missed having to save you and your sister every level."

Da Qiao snarled at her husband and turned away.

"Im just glad i got an in-game cut scene of me burning Cao Cao's fleet, After all it was my idea but someone else got all the credit" Huang Gai grinned proudly and then glared at Zhou Yu.

Zhou Yu ran his delicate fingers slowly through his ponytail.

"I have no complaints. My alternative costume is as sexy as hell"

"Ooooh your so sexy Zhouie" Xiao said whilst slinking up to Zhou Yu

"I dont have a musou mode. Why is that?! I built our kingdom i'll have you know" Sun Quan ranted

"What do you mean you built it?" Ce cut in "You just got lucky that Xu Gong's retainers ambushed and killed me. I left you everything man and what thanks do i get?!"

"I have to disagree Quan." Sun Jian began "If your mother and i hadn't fondled in the bath 1800 odd years ago then you wouldn't exist. Yi would've taken the throne but he got killed by his own men so that would be no good, he was like our little Zhang Fei but..not! Then there was Kuang, whatever happened to him anyway? Lastly we have Lang...well actually no-one cared about him, he was a jackass. Little baby Shang would have taken the fort and we cant have a baby girl running the country can we?"

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Shang Xiang yelled pulling out her chakrams...er i mean bow

"Father, I really dont want to hear about your sex life!" Quan added before putting a hand on Shang's shoulder "Im sure he was only kidding Shang, calm down"

Shang spun round and face her brother "Oh what do you know. You just shipped me off to Liu Bei as soon as possible."

Quan shut up and sat down.

Lu Meng rised to his feet "Why, why, oh why does that cocky pirate call me old man? He's three years older than me for crying out loud."

"Hey, Old man sit down before you croak." the cocky pirate joked.

"My musou sucks, it has no range" Sun Jian randomly said.

"I run like a spastic", Lu Xun whined "If anybody ran like that they would get back strain and i want my hat back...i want it back"

"Gan Ning killed my father, bastard! Where is the rivalry? Its like im in love with the guy" Ling Tong moaned. Next i'll be like Dong Zhuo, walking around like a spastic balloon but instead of Lu Bu blah blah your supposed to be protecing me it'll be XINGBA!! XINGBA!! Liu Bei poked me!

--

A/N: I love Shang really, she's my favourite girl..I just had to rant about her voice.

There was something about SJ's musou that makes it crap but i've forgotten what it was lol so i just randomly put range

The whole Gan Ning/Lu Meng old man scenes rock...i want more!

Yeah..yeah..I left out Taishi Ci and Zhou Tai...I couldn't think of anything


	2. Wei

DW6: Reactions - Wei

I've only really played as Sima Yi so finding stuff to rant about could be hard. Rambling and randomness ensured...lots of rambling. I swear i was bribed to write this piece of insanity.

--

Somehwere in Xu Chang, in a box slightly bigger than Wu's box but still an uncomfortable box the warriors of Wei were huddled around to discuss, rant and ramble about the latest Dynasty Warriors addition, DW6.

"Those damn shuists cut me out because that bearded elf excuted me", Pang De started to rant.

"Its an outrage, a damn bloody outrage. Being cut is not in The Way of The Warrior!"

"Diao Chan stole my slutty DW5 outfit. Bless the little whore, She deserves the reputation more than me. I did nothing to deserve this reputation! ANTI-WEISTS!" Zhen Luo whined and whipped Cao Pi in the face.

"They wont even give me my real name. I dont wanna be known as Lady Zhen Lady for all eternity!" she continued.

Cao Pi brushed his now much shorter hair back and arrogantly smirked.

"KOEI took away my voice...Then gave me an even smexier one!" he smiled but it soon turned into a frown.

"Then they took away my musou mode! Even that cry baby Liu Bei gets one!" he yelled out slamming his fist down onto the bottom of the..er...box.

"If that wasn't bad enough they gave me command of one single battle and then brought my father back from the dead for the next one." Cao Pi growled angrily at Cao Cao.

"Arrogant Bastard" Luo coughed under her breath.

"I run even more spasticated than Lu Xun!! Im bent over forward, its like im a bull trying to charge through something" Sima Yi changed the subject.

"My beautiful Sima!" Zhang He whistled while elegantly prancing over to Yi.

Sima Yi screamed like a girl and dived behind Cao Cao, clinging onto his back.

Cao Cao pushed him off and then shoved him into Zhang He

"Get away, Emperor of Jin!"

"Ahh! Look Zhang He pretty pinky flowers!" he said, throwing flowers onto the other side of the box.

Zhang He clasped his hands together and skipped away joyfully.

"Flowers. O, flowers. Lend me your beauty"

_Thank god! Could this fic get even more stupid?_

"I really like my new weapon", Sima Yi announced. "Great for killing. Wouldn't you agree, Cow Cow?"

"GAHHH!! Its T'sao T'sao!!" came the screaming reply.

"They had already changed it in that Dynasty and Samurai warriors crossover, Warriors Orochi. Not that you would know, You spent the whole story as Zhuge Liang's man-bitch!"

"My Lord, Cao Cao?" a voice came, delaying the argument.

Cao Cao spun round and saw a french dude standing before him.

"Zhang Liao?" he prompted Liao to continue.

"May i borrow your sword?"

"Er...what do you want with my sword?"

"I want to cut my moustache. Im fed up with being associated with the french! Those damn E...eu...eur..." Liao attempted to blurt out.

The rest of the Wei cast turned to look at Zhang Liao at complete shock.

"What the hell are you trying to say frenchie?"

"ARGH!! See what i mean?!" Zhang Liao yelled out, obviously frustrated.

"The crazy woman that wrote this is european and wont let me curse them,dammit!"

At that moment Zhang He came skipping across the room with two pink flowers attached to his dress.

"I wanted a pink dress!", he whined with a stint of happiness. "My hair doesn't reach the ground anymore either!"

Everybody else in the box took a few steps back from the cross-gender butterfly.

"Also my musou needs to change. A flower attack! I shoot out pretty carnations that daze the enemy with its pinkness!" he yelled out with excitement.

"Girly-Freak" Xiahou Dun coughed out

"Shut it Mrigotholdhostageinmyowncamp"

"Sure, Mrigotkilledbya70yearoldshuist"

The Xiahou cousins cut their losses and shut up.

"So Dun, any complaints?" Cao Cao asked.

"I want my old hair back. The fan girl attacks having been getting more frequent"

Suddenly there was banging on the box and it fell to pieces, leaving psycho fangirls to run in.

"I love you Dun!" one yelled

"Dunny, i wanna have your babies!" another added.

Dun loudly shrieked as the psychos dragged him away by the hair.

"Does plastic surgery to make you taller exist?" Cao Ren asked, trying to stand tall but failing miserably.

"Plastic surgery doesn't exist yet,Ren" Yuan replied

"Oh dammit"

"KOEI are trying to turn me into a shuist with all of that honour crap" Xu Huang added to the rants.

"Lets head to that KOEI company!", Dian Wei roared. "Burn those japanese, BURN THE SHUISTS!"

The entire Wei army marched off to Japan waving their burning torches in the air...

...to be continued(maybe?)

--

Okay so half of it had nothing whatsoever to do with DW6 what whatever.

Surprisingly the only person i left out was Xu Zhu...i couldn't be bothered to type anymore.


	3. Shu l Wei Rebellion

DW6: Shu l Wei Rebellion

Yeah i know i just decided to randomly type it in, i've never heard Zhenfu though.

It may seem that way but i dont despise shu just the..um..bias! (There was me thinking you were just a Zhenist)

I haven't actually read the novel. As a Wuist i wouldn't get far before wanting to resurrect LG and strangle him to death again.

I think i can now safely say this fic has gone insane. It went from Wu rantings to Wei randomness to a Liu Shan horror XD.

--

Elsewhere a billion miles away, well not really, the shuists were gathered in the mansion given to them by KOEI. Typical.

"If my father is the god of war does that make me the jesus of war?" Guan Ping questioned, honestly.

-No Answer-

"I miss my Xing Cai!", he whined. "By the time DW7 comes out in 2010 or so Liu Shan will be added. Oh the torture!"

"My baby Cai wields a fork and Ping-Ping carries a knife", Zhang Fei burped out. "If Liu Shan is added would he have a spoon?"

"Imagine being spanked with a spoon" Pang Tong said, visualising it in his mind.

"There's no justice that justice cant justice" Ma Chao started one of his justice speeches.

Zhuge Liang just sighed and shook his head.

"That doesn't make any sense!"

A half invisible Jiang Wei strolled into the mansion.

"Prime Minister!! Why did you let them cut me out!"

"Deng Ai" Yue Ying muttered

"Guan Yu! Are you licking your beard?" Liu Bei asked as he saw Guan Yu's tongue somehow half way down his beard.

"I dropped a mars bar in there the other day" Yu replied.

"Have you forgotten we're supposed to be ranting", Zhao Yun said. "You know? rant rant not blah blah"

"Whatever Yun-boy! Shu's downfall was all your fault! If you hadn't rescued my incompetent son we might have stood a chance."

"Child beater..."

"What was that?"

"I said i love you Lord Liu Bei!"

Liu Bei smiled and placed his hand on his chin, realising his goatee was gone he gasped.

"My Goatee! My precious goatee! Its gone...Why god? WHY?!"

Everyone else just rolled their eyes.

"Historically speaking i was 20-30 years older than Shang Xiang so i should look like an old man!"

"Pervert...", Huang Zhong muttered. "Even Lu Xun's wife wasn't that much younger."

"My Lord, I think you need to remember the game is based off the novel. I am a god after all" Liang smirked.

"So that explains why you two had so many lovey dovey scenes. Next thing you know she'll be drowning herself in that river, whatever it was called." Yun added.

Not wanting to talk about his shameful love life anymore Liu Bei finally decided to change the subject.

"I blame the loss at Yi Ling on that maze. It was so dark i couldn't see anything and kept walking into the walls. There's nothing virtuous about the dark!"

"Blame...Zhuge...Liang" a voice from the corner said, obviously Wei Yan.

Xing Cai and Liu Shan, who was holding a spoon toddled into the room disrupting the conversation. Cai walked over to Guan Ping and ruffled his hair.

"Pingy! Meet Shan-Shan. We're gonna to have a threesome."

Pings eyes widened in horror and disgust.

-BOOOOOOOOOOM!!-

"I think i killed him..."

--

Somewhere in Japan the Wei army minus Xu Zhu and Xiahou Dun were wandering around looking for KOEI so they could burn it down.

About a mile back Xu Zhu could be seen huffing and puffing whilst walking along the path.

"Too much running...wait up guys!" he coughed out, gasping for breath.

"Where is it! Where is KOEI!" Dian Wei roared.

"Here...It should be right here!" Cao Cao said, pointing to the ground.

Xu Zhu stumbled up to the rest of the group.

"My...Lord...KOEI...wont...exist...for...another...1700...or...so...years" he said, still gasping for breath.

"Shit!"

The weists sat down in a circle to once again begin ranting. Cao Cao however sat on Xu Zhu

"Hmm..What a comfy elephant"

"Father! Thats not an elephant its Xu Zhu!"

Cao Cao looked below him and stood up.

"Oopsy" he giggled covering his mouth with his hands.

Xu Zhu sat up and threw his burning torch onto the ground. Unfortunately for him the wind blew it a few inches away into a stream of petrol.

"Xu Zhu you moron!" Cao Pi yelled.

Zhang He jumped to his feet and started doing an exotic dance, floating his ribbons around.

"Oooh flames have no hold on me..."

He then bent down and attempted to kiss the flames, obviously burning his lips.

"Owie! That wasn't beautiful...that wasn't beautiful at all! My beautiful, beautiful lips" he sobbed.

"Who invented fire anyway?" Zhang Liao asked curiously

"I believe it was the english" Xu Huang replied.

"Darn those E...eu...eur...argh dammit!"

"We should rant while we burn to death" Cao Pi yawned, stretching his arms and relaxing.

"Why?" Luoshen asked.

"Its more dramatic."

"I wrote a letter to future KOEI. I will be killing Sima Yi in my final cutscene in DW7." Cao Cao announced.

"What?" Sima Yi gasped.

"Well i am the Hero of Chaos. I should be killing the villain."

"They wouldn't they love me! They showed Zhuge Liang dying at Wu Zhang Plains so they love me!"

"Im a fat Huang Zhong" Xiahou Yuan moaned.

All of a sudden the ravaging flames moved in evaporating the poor Wei souls. Several screams could be heard and a woman shrieking for just a few seconds. About five minutes later Xiahou Dun walked past having finally lost his fangirls. He raised an eyebrow as he saw several piles of ash in a circle.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!"

--

Back at the Shu mansion Liu Shan was sucking his thumb and dribbling. Zhuge Liang looked up and saw his lord's heir acting like an idiot.

"Oh dear gods what is that retard Liu Shan doing here! Is the world so bad that i have to relive his idiocy in the fanfiction universe." he whined, waving his hands towards the heavens.

"Yeah, brother. Im tired of feeding him apple sauce for breakfast every morning. He's 25 for crying out loud!" Zhang Fei grunted.

Liu Shan dribbled some more and spat out a jar of apple sauce. Xing Cai just patted him on the head.

"He's not my son! He's not my son!" Liu Bei yelled banging his head on a table.

"Why. Oh why did i execute Feng?!"

"Dadada...Your funny." Liu Shan spat out.

Zhuge Liang clasped his hands together and began humming.

"What are you doing?" Liu Bei asked his strategist.

"Praying for something to take him away"

Liu Shan pulled out a 'padded' napkin and wiped the dribble from his mouth. Liu Bei just looked on in complete horror.

"What in the name of Shu are you doing with one of those?" Liu Bei asked his son, looking like he was about to faint.

"Cai-Cai gave me this cool napkin. It has really weird red blotty spots in the middle" he explained.

Liu Bei coughed and threw up multiple times before passing out.

--

Okay, amazingly i managed to fit all the shu guys in..I really didn't plan to kill Wei..honest! My plans just sorta changed half way through to fit in with a possible sequel.

Oddly enough i now love saying Luoshen and i've gone even further away from DW6 with insanity XD.


End file.
